Swipe Right (Reprise)

it’s a shame—
we figure each other out
knitting threads
of dirty jokes
a chest full of demons
some dubious ambitions
diamonds worth
of coping with vices
of childhood fears
of anti-religion
of anti-everything—
raw
emotion
struggling to get past our walls
it’s left us crippled
we figure
we’re not that mighty
after all

we were
each other’s
idea of temporary
you think,
“no one can be that crazy”
but we yearned—
a lust for company
because in truth
we’re tired of waking up
in tears,
admitting we’re lonely
-m.d.
✍🏻11.15.16

Not Like This

sometimes i wish i could love you
not like this, no
i wish i were allowed to
i wish i was better
at keeping myself together
not like this, no
i wish i was enough
to keep you around
i was always content, you know
never wished for anything
never hoped
never even dreamed
for it to go this far
but then it did
just when i thought
i was over it

who am i to deny
this isn’t
familiar territory?
who am i to decide
this isn’t
what’s meant for me
my so-called destiny
who even
are the fabricators
of this story?
and who exactly are they
to deny me
you?

someday
i’ll be brave enough to want you
this time for myself
not for anyone else
and i promise you
i’m gonna be selfish
someday
some place,
maybe in some other life
someday
we’ll be alright,
just not this time, no
not tonight

-m.d.

Broken Bad Habit II

that it’s better to shower alone
that the small of my back wasn’t as hard to reach
if only i could pretend
that whatever it was,
it was restricting,
i could barely breathe
if i could make-believe
that leaving was easy
that goodbyes were temporary
that we were nothing short of ordinary
i’m sorry
that this is anything but subtle
if only i could pretend
that a poem doesn’t need a sequel
that i don’t miss the thrill of sidewalk adventures
you and me against the police
that it wasn’t bliss
when our souls got lost in the universe that night
high, on top of some high rise tower
if only 26 was just a number

a bad habit,
something like morphine
shit, just one more goddamn hit
how does one win against
a bad habit,
some psychedelic
like making out when you’re sick
you risk it and once more
a bad habit,
like smoking some stale bitch stick
if only i could pretend
that i want none of it

that you were just one more bad habit
you were just another
broken
bad
habit

©

Tonight

don’t let it get to you—
this world and all its temporary bullshit
don’t let it gobble you up
and just spit you right out
like it did yesterday
and the day before that
you know how they say it’s all a game?
well, don’t pretend you’re not tired of playing
don’t pretend you’re not tired of waiting
to be dealt better cards
don’t fool yourself any longer
cause tonight we are conquerors—
slightly benevolent and all-accepting
with nothing more to covet
we’re far from heroes
if not the complete opposite
but maybe life’s really just a set of concepts
tailored with a certain sophistication
meticulously envisioned with all its quirks and intricacies
all its flaws and fallacies
the good, the bad, and the jarring atrocities

tonight, we are creators
where are we headed
if not towards the ends of the earth
the birth of entire galaxies, we will witness
the branching out of infinities
all of life’s ephemeral debris
cast aside
not a trace of impermanence survives
in this vivid universe
set ablaze with actual breathing stars
there’s no space to feed wars
multiple moons, multiple earths
population: society’s favorite outcasts
what about multiple cerulean suns
that burn blemishes of lives past
no more of those scorching yellow rays
stellar awakenings in place of blinding mornings
utopia, ruled not by kings
but by a single cosmic truth
bringing forth genuine happiness and above all, peace

tonight, we take the shot
and dream all this into reality
till we’re finally at ease
-m.d.

✍🏻Sept. 2, 2016

Left

i should’ve just left it there
should’ve just backed off,
walked away,
shut the damn door
and just left it there
rapidly losing ground,
i breathe in
your scent fills the air
i never should’ve gone there
now i stink of despair

in a mental pursuit of control
i know it’s all in my head
why can’t i let go?
why can’t i shake it?
my love, this is all your fault
i die every second
between every breath,
this is all your fault
you should’ve just kept to yourself
you should’ve just left me there
-m.d.
10-24-16

Pillow Talk

i’m not one to demand what i think i deserve
i’m sorry
not the love i’ve been giving
certainly not some peace offering
from a past i’m still running away from
not from you,
nor from the world
not now,
nor ever
you want to hurt me?
my love, you’re gonna have to try harder
this should be fair warning
i’m resilient
not flinching
even as you pull the trigger

regardless of,
and in spite of everything,
whatever you’ve got there
let me have it
whatever kindness
whatever pain
whatever strange promise you dare commit
let me hear all of it
maybe over some beer
actions reciprocated
you learn to breathe once you’re used to suffocating
you see, my heart no longer aches
it has grown cold,
so cold that there’s nothing this body can’t take
this is some strange pillow talk i know
i won’t let go
but if you need me out
let me tell you
neither will i stay
-m.d.
✍🏻10-29-16

#alcoholrhymes

grab a beer with me
let’s drink till the rest of the world turns into one big fat blur
till the straight lines become crooked
till our differences don’t bother us anymore
disappear with me
let’s dim the lights,
melt into the night
why don’t we?
a different perspective
maybe then we’ll finally see things more clearly
-m.d.

✍🏻10-26-16

#4amthoughtsofanalcoholic

i was offered love and
i didn’t take it
what is there to claim
when you’ve reached your limit
i call the shots now
and i may just be stronger
than i was ever
i call the shots
drink the shots now
can’t love you sober
-m.d. 10-22-16

Once More

once more the sun disappears
yet his words still linger
took me a while to decipher
these tiny fractions of code—
fragments—
each of them, once part of a whole
how long till they dissipate into cold space?
and how long till I recreate the same fate?
still with his name,
still his face

once more the sun disappears
the stars will once again come out
i’ll try to map him out like a constellation
cause i can’t reduce him to fiction
at least not yet
you could say i’m fixated
but it’s hard to deny
friction never took place
while we were floating freely
into cold space

#28

a simple girl
i was led to believe
that there’s always more to life than what it seems
and i got to be patient
there’s got to be more to it than this—
at the edge of it all, towards oblivion
trying to smoke a spliff without choking
i’m staring at the world
and it stares right back at me with pretension
am i insecure?
sure, i admit that i’m lacking
but there’s got to be more to life than just running
jumping hurdles in order to reach a certain zenith
cause right now i need to stop and catch my breath
at the edge of it all, fixated on taking a break
and it’s starting to get depressing

that’s the difference
between you and me
juxtaposed and it’s quite the dichotomy
i have my recklessness
you have your resilience
but tell me how does one stay adamant at a time like this?
at this point, i can’t even remain serene
point me towards a different direction
cause i’m tired of being seen
of being the focus of insinuating glances
i’m tired of seeming all put-together
with a lenient disposition, whatever
when the truth is i’m bursting at the seams
this whole being “relentless” crap was never my cup of tea
this is my catharsis, my apogee

✍🏻8-23-16